撰文：資深註冊社工李淑輝姑娘
無論是爭玩具、遊戲中輸掉和排隊爭先恐後……每當遇上不如意，常見孩子會用推撞打人的方式去處理問題，這亦是父母常感頭痛的事 ─ 為甚麼孩子是個打人小惡霸呢？
1. 情緒和行為混為一談？
「你不可以嬲就發脾氣打人！」孩子因為出現情緒 －「嬲」，所以出現發洩行為 －「打人」。然而，父母可以禁止孩子的打人行為，但不能禁止他有「嬲」的情緒，孩子更不會因父母禁制「嬲」，而把情緒即時緩和過來。父母要教導孩子情緒和行為須分開處理 －「我明白弟弟拿走你的玩具，所以你很嬲，但你不可打人！」
Written by: Miss Jody Lee, Senior Registered Social Worker
Whether it’s fighting over toys, losing games, or rushing to be first in line, it is common to see children using pushing, shoving, and hitting to deal with situations that don’t go their way – which is also a constant headache for parents. Why does a child exhibit bullying behavior?
1. Are emotions and behaviors conflated?
“You cannot get angry and hit people!” The child may experience an emotion – “anger”, which leads to a behavioral response – “hitting”. However, while parents can prohibit the child’s hitting behavior, they cannot prohibit the child from feeling “angry”. The child will not immediately calm their emotions just because the parents have banned “anger”. Parents need to teach the child to separate emotions and behaviors – “I understand you are very angry that your brother took your toy, but you cannot hit him!”
1. A餐無益不要吃！
「你不可打弟弟，總之不可打弟弟啦。」父母只叫孩子不要吃A餐，因為吃了會痴肥無益，但又沒有給他B、C、D餐的選擇，如弟弟再次取走他的玩具，十居其九，他仍會繼續吃A餐。父母聲嘶力歇地叫孩子不可打弟弟(A餐)，跟著應該提供選擇 － 「不可打人，如果弟弟取走你的玩具，你可以告訴他：『玩具是我的，我玩完才給你』（B餐），亦可以請媽媽評理（C餐），或者讓給弟弟先玩 （D餐）……」
2. 孩子絕對會接受挑戰！
「你試下再打弟弟，信不信我以後不要你？」父母意圖用恐嚇方式來鎮壓孩子打人行為，許多時候會適得其反，因為現代的孩子絕對會接受挑戰的！孩子會記恨父母和弟弟，會伺機出拳，再次攻擊弟弟。父母說過如他再犯會不要他，不論會否言出必行，親子關係已陷於僵局。其實，父母只是一心希望孩子做出好行為，應該直截了當地說出要求：「請你停手！」
3. 孩子打我，不痛，我能忍受？
無論孩子如何生氣或不滿，當他做出傷人、傷己和破壞性行為，父母必須即時制止。假若平日孩子慣性不開心的時候，就打人洩憤，由於力度不大，大人又能承受痛楚，所以不被阻止，孩子便會誤以為攻擊他人是沒有問題的。父母有責任即時制止及清楚表明，孩子的打人行動是不被接納的。
其實，孩子不是天生的小惡霸，他在成長過程中，身邊的人在陪伴他的同時，又悉心教導他正確處理問題的方法，孩子才能發展成熟，獨立成材。
1. Don’t eat Meal A if it’s not good for you!
“You cannot hit your brother, just don’t hit him at all.” Parents may simply tell the child not to engage in an undesirable behavior (Meal A) without providing any alternative (Meal B, C, D) options. If the brother takes the child’s toy again, the child will likely continue to “eat Meal A” (hit). Parents should not only prohibit the undesirable behavior, but also provide alternative, appropriate ways for the child to respond – “You cannot hit, but if your brother takes your toy, you can tell him: ‘The toy is mine, I’ll give it to you when I’m done’ (Meal B), or you can ask me to help settle it (Meal C), or you can let your brother play with it first (Meal D)…”
2. Children will absolutely accept challenges!
“If you hit your brother again, I won’t want you anymore.” Parents may intend to suppress the child’s hitting behavior through intimidation, which often backfires, as today’s children may see this as a challenge. The child may resent the parents and the brother, and look for opportunities to hit the brother again. Instead, parents should directly state their expectations: “Please stop hitting your brother.”
3. My child hit me, but it doesn’t hurt. Can I tolerate that?
No matter how angry or dissatisfied the child is, when they engage in harmful, self-destructive, or destructive behaviors, parents must intervene immediately. If the child habitually vents their frustration by hitting others because the force is not great and the adults can endure the pain, the child may mistakenly think that attacking others is acceptable. Parents have the responsibility to immediately stop and clearly indicate that the child’s hitting behavior is unacceptable.
In fact, children are not born as little bullies. As they grow, the people around them, while accompanying them, should carefully teach them the right ways to deal with problems. Only then can the child develop maturity and become independent.
