撰文: Pario兒童‧親職教育中心
童年與家庭,對一個人有著深遠的影響,作為父母是如何影響孩子成長?如何培養孩子的好行為和好品格?是否正確而有效地使用獎賞和鼓勵呢?
別把對孩子的愛變獎勵
經常聽到家長把「如果你乖,爸爸就錫曬你」這句說話掛在嘴邊。家長以為這是給予正面的獎賞,鼓勵孩子的正面行為,但媽媽陪、爸爸錫不是應該無條件的嗎?絕不是乖巧才值得被愛錫啊!孩子的自我價值不應該與自己的行為或成就劃上等號。
別把原有的習慣變獎賞
有家長會說:「如果你乖,星期日我哋就去公園玩啦!」當孩子表現得「不乖」的時候,家長便取消孩子原來去公園玩樂的時間,讓孩子學習承受後果。雖然這算是教養的方法之一,但如果孩子本來每天就有去公園的習慣,家長卻把「去公園」作為獎勵,這還算是獎勵嗎?這只是繼續每日的恆常習慣而矣!當然,如果孩子不是常有機會去公園,這個獎賞對天性愛玩的孩子便十分吸引了!
Written by : Pario Children, Parenting Education Centre
Childhood and family have a profound impact on a person. How do parents influence their children’s growth? How to cultivate good behavior and character in children? Is it correct and effective to use rewards and encouragement?
Do not turn love for your child into a reward
It is often heard that parents say, “If you behave, daddy will shower you with love.” Parents think this is providing positive reinforcement, encouraging positive behavior in children, but shouldn’t the companionship of mom and the affection of dad be unconditional? Love and affection should not be contingent on being well-behaved! A child’s self-worth should not be equated with their behavior or achievements.
Do not turn existing habits into rewards
Some parents might say: “If you behave, we will go to the park on Sunday!” When the child behaves in a “naughty” manner, parents cancel the child’s original plan to play in the park, letting the child learn to bear the consequences. Although this is one of the parenting methods, if the child originally has the habit of going to the park every day, and the parents use “going to the park” as a reward, is this really a reward? This is just continuing the daily routine! Of course, if the child does not usually have the opportunity to go to the park, this reward would be very attractive to a child who naturally loves to play!
清楚說明獎勵與好行為
獎賞是必要的!但家長要精心設計或選擇,最理想的獎賞是能吸引孩子的丶是與日常不同的。例如:每天都只去公園30分鐘,但今天可以多玩15分鐘;每天都只吃一種餅乾作茶點,但今天可以吃兩種。在獎賞時,家長要明確地告訴孩子獎勵的原因「因為你『自動自覺收拾玩具』,爸媽很欣賞你,所以今天獎你『多一塊餅』」,讓孩子具體明白什麼是好行為,也了解好行為與獎勵的關係,有持續表現好行為的動力。
給予無限的支持和鼓勵
孩子往往需要成人在旁支持和鼓勵才能有足夠的安全感和勇氣去嘗試;有時候,家長給予了很多鼓勵,但孩子仍沒有預期中的敢於嘗試,有時候家長會因失望而衝口而出說:「抱咗你咁耐你都唔肯試,咁我唔抱你、唔錫你喇!」換來的,是孩子哭得更大聲更不願嘗試;即使孩子被逼完成了,但內心卻多了一道傷痕。所以,家長要給予孩子無限的支持和鼓勵,告訴孩子:「媽媽對你有信心,下次再嘗試,你會做得到!」要相信當孩子儲夠鼓勵的能量,便會踏步向前。
或許,家長在教養孩子的過程中,既不願做虎爸虎媽,又避不開社會的競爭,有時會感到迷茫,但謹記尊重孩子的天賦特質,讓你的欣賞和鼓勵陪伴他們成長。
Clearly explain rewards and good behavior
Rewards are necessary! But parents must carefully design or choose them, and the most ideal rewards are those that can attract children and are different from the daily routine. For example: going to the park for only 30 minutes every day, but today they can play for an extra 15 minutes; eating only one type of cookie for a snack every day, but today they can have two types. When rewarding, parents should clearly tell the child the reason for the reward, “Because you ‘put away your toys on your own’, mom and dad really appreciate you, so today you get ‘an extra cookie'”, letting the child concretely understand what good behavior is, and also understand the relationship between good behavior and rewards, giving them the motivation to continue displaying good behavior.
Provide unlimited support and encouragement
Children often need the support and encouragement of adults to have enough security and courage to try; sometimes, parents give a lot of encouragement, but the child still does not dare to try as expected, and sometimes parents will blurt out in disappointment: “I’ve held you for so long and you still won’t try, so I won’t hold you or kiss you!” What comes next is the child crying louder and being even more unwilling to try; even if the child is forced to complete the task, there is an additional emotional scar. Therefore, parents should give children unlimited support and encouragement, telling them: “Mommy has confidence in you, try again next time, you can do it!” Believe that when children have stored enough energy from encouragement, they will step forward.
Perhaps, in the process of parenting, parents neither want to be tiger parents nor can they avoid the competition in society, sometimes they may feel lost, but remember to respect the child’s innate traits, and let your appreciation and encouragement accompany their growth.