撰文：香港家庭教育學院總監狄志遠博士
早年有機構調查發現，近六成子女認為家長沒有用愛的語言與他們溝通，更有近半數父母會在管教子女時，傾向了專制和冷漠模式。其實，親子溝通的模式對建立親子關係甚為重要，筆者今次希望與大家分享一下有關的調查結果及建議。
調查結果根據美國著名心理學研究，把父母的管教模式歸類為懂得運用「愛的語言」的開明型，以及屬於「非愛的語言」的專制型、放任型及冷漠型。據子女的現實回應顯示，在孩子心目中只有四成一的家長屬於開明型，一成家長屬於放任型，餘下近半家長都屬於專制或冷漠型，而當中專制或冷漠型父母的比例分別為兩成七和兩成二。
Written by: Dr. Tik Chi-yuen, Director of the Hong Kong Institute of Family Education
In a study conducted earlier, it was found that nearly sixty percent of children felt that their parents did not communicate with them using the language of love, and nearly half of the parents tended to use authoritarian and indifferent approaches when disciplining their children. In fact, the mode of parent-child communication is crucial for establishing a strong parent-child relationship. In this article, I would like to share the results and recommendations related to this survey.
According to research in well-known psychology studies in the United States, parents’ disciplinary styles can be categorized into the enlightened type, which utilizes the “language of love,” and the authoritarian, permissive, and indifferent types, which fall under the category of “non-loving languages.” Based on the responses from children, only forty percent of parents were considered as the enlightened type in the eyes of their children, while one percent fell into the permissive type. The remaining nearly half of the parents were classified as either authoritarian or indifferent types, with the proportions being twenty-seven percent and twenty-two percent, respectively.
調查又發現，父母及子女在三類處境中，理想與現實都出現很大的矛盾，這情況在學業表現處境中顯得尤其嚴重。子女期望父母在學業表現處境屬開明型的有六成二，但現實僅有三成七。同樣地，父母的理想和現實也顯示出重大差距，只有百份之四的父母認為自己在學業表現處境中與子女的相處是專制的，但實際有三成一家長也屬於「專制型」。這反映了父母在處理子女「學業表現」方面時面對很大的困難，不知不覺間就採用了「非愛的語言」。現今有不少父母都過度介入子女的學習，不惜花費大量金錢和時間，安排子女參加極多學習活動及坊間不同的補習班，務求令子女在學習上可以走在最前線，因此造成很多親子衝突，甚至令情緒受困擾。
我們做父母的，應培養使用「愛的語言」的習慣，因為愈懂得運用稱讚、鼓勵、關愛、接納、欣賞和肯定等正面言詞，子女就愈能明白父母的管教中兼有關愛和規範，從而成長為一個有自尊和自信的人。筆者相信大部分父母對子女的說話，出發點都是為子女好，但不適當的說話，不單會傷害親子關係，更可能令孩子變得反叛。相反，適當的說話，卻能令孩子樂意接受及盡力做好。
建議父母與子女溝通時要：
The survey also revealed significant discrepancies between parents and children’s ideals and realities in three different situations, with academic performance being particularly severe. Sixty-two percent of children expected their parents to adopt an enlightened approach in handling academic performance, but in reality, only thirty-seven percent of parents fell into this category. Similarly, there was a significant gap between parents’ ideals and realities. Only four percent of parents believed that they had an authoritarian relationship with their children in terms of academic performance, but in reality, thirty-one percent of parents were categorized as “authoritarian.” This reflects the difficulties parents face when dealing with their children’s academic performance and how they unconsciously resort to “non-loving languages.” Nowadays, many parents excessively intervene in their children’s studies, sparing no expense in arranging numerous learning activities and various tuition classes, aiming to keep their children at the forefront of learning. This has led to numerous conflicts between parents and children and even emotional distress.
As parents, we should cultivate the habit of using the “language of love” because the more we utilize positive words such as praise, encouragement, care, acceptance, appreciation, and affirmation, the more our children will understand that our discipline includes both love and boundaries, helping them grow into individuals with self-esteem and confidence. The author believes that most parents’ intentions behind their words to their children are for their children’s good. However, inappropriate words cannot only harm the parent-child relationship but also lead children to rebel. On the other hand, appropriate words can make children willingly accept and do their best.
When communicating with their children, parents are advised to:
✧ Use kind, praising, and encouraging words.
✧ Provide positive guidance.
✧ Praise the child when they do well.
✧ Pay attention to the child’s responses and consider their own reactions.
✧ Even when saying “no,” avoid using negative language.
