撰文：GLP 全力愛創辦人兼義務總幹事林何佩儀
吹毛求疵，是父母管教子女最容易犯的錯誤；「愛之深、責之切」，是一般父母的心情。父母常恐懼孩子在成長過程中，學壞了任何的不良行為，會貽害終生。因此，父母在管教子女時，常常以無微不至的批評來提醒孩子。其實，孩子犯錯是成長的必經之路，孩子在成長過程中不斷改變，父母必須因應他們的成長需要來處理他們的行為，甚至改變與他的相處方式。
例如孩子未能依時完成功課時，父母應平靜對待這件平常不過的事，因為這正是讓孩子進步和成長的機會。又例如孩子駁嘴，可能顯示他們開始學習獨立思考，並不一定是對父母不尊重，只是當孩子日漸長大，自我主張開始出現，有自己的思想和看法，對現實生活中的各項事情有自己的立場，同時渴望得到父母能認同。作為父母，當然不贊同這些行為，但即使不贊同，也可以了解孩子背後的需要，這樣我們便能更有效地和他們溝通及運用恰當的管教方法。
「知識雖能改變命運，態度卻取決一切！」父母大發雷霆橫加指責，對管教從不湊效，毫無意義。當父母懂得溫柔而堅定地幫助孩子，將尊重帶進日常生活中，孩子便會更了解事情的規則和界線，這樣他們以後就會更有分寸，也會為自己的行為建立一把尺。有了這把尺，他們自然會成為自理自主和負責任的人。所以，家長應在孩子的幼兒階段時，便在他們日常生活中定立界線。
Written by: Peggy Ho Pui Yee, Founder and Volunteer Executive Director of Good Love Passion
Being overly critical is the most common mistake parents make in disciplining their children. The phrase “love deeply, scold severely” reflects the emotions of most parents. Parents often fear that their children will develop any undesirable behavior during their growth, which may have lifelong consequences. Therefore, when disciplining their children, parents often resort to meticulous criticism as a way to remind them. In reality, making mistakes is an essential part of a child’s growth process. As children constantly change and grow, parents need to adapt to their developmental needs and adjust their approach to dealing with their behavior, even changing the way they interact with them.
For example, when a child fails to complete their homework on time, parents should calmly handle this common occurrence, as it is an opportunity for the child to improve and grow. Similarly, when a child talks back, it may indicate their emerging independence and critical thinking skills. It doesn’t necessarily mean they lack respect for their parents. As children grow older, they develop their own thoughts, opinions, and perspectives on various aspects of life. They also desire parental acknowledgment. As parents, we may not agree with these behaviors, but even in disagreement, we can understand the underlying needs of our children. This allows us to communicate more effectively with them and utilize appropriate disciplinary methods.
“While knowledge can change destiny, attitude determines everything!” Explosive anger and harsh accusations from parents are ineffective in discipline and serve no purpose. When parents understand how to gently and firmly assist their children and incorporate respect into daily life, children will develop a better understanding of rules and boundaries. Consequently, they will exercise more self-control and establish their own standards for behavior. With these standards in place, they will naturally become more independent, responsible individuals. Therefore, parents should establish boundaries in their children’s daily lives during their early childhood stages.
筆者的女兒自 1 歲半開始，已經明白字是寫在紙上的道理，所以當她 3 歲時，也從不在家中雪白的牆上貼過一張貼紙。因為她清楚知道自己和我的界線，也了解一個自理的孩子應當保持家居的整潔，這也是她的責任。父母讓孩子有遵循的方針，之後才去談他們是否聽話。
對年齡較小的孩子，立界線時要具體清楚說明，例如你跟幼兒說：「若果你做不到，就表示你不乖。」其實對於幼兒來說，「不乖」是模糊的字眼，他們難以捉摸。此外，立界線時必須訂出若未執行的後果，筆者需要強調是「後果」，並非「懲罰」。後果只是結果，從雙方的協議中定立，所以它們是在自然法則下自然運作的結果，和懲罰完全是兩回事。例如當玩耍完畢後，孩子要自行收拾玩具，收拾好下次可以再玩；但如果沒有收拾，按照之前大家的協議，玩具就會被沒收兩天或三天。
這時候父母必須清楚讓孩子明白，這就是他沒有履行協議的自然後果，並不是懲罰。又例如父母可以和孩子商討看電視和使用電子產品的時間，並訂下時限。同樣地，如果孩子過了限定時間還不關機，按照之前大家的協議，往後三天都不可以再看或使用。家長立界線時要注意合理性，否則就是入孩子於罪，孩子容易觸犯到界線，將來不聽話的可能性反而更大。
Since the age of one and a half, my daughter understood that writing is done on paper. Therefore, even at the age of 3, she has never stuck a sticker on the pristine walls of our home. She knows her boundaries and understands that a responsible child should keep the house clean. It is her responsibility. Parents establish guidelines for children to follow before discussing whether they are obedient or not.
When setting boundaries for younger children, it is important to be clear and specific. For example, you can say to a toddler, “If you can’t do it, it means you’re not behaving.” However, for young children, the term “not behaving” is vague and difficult for them to grasp. In addition, when setting boundaries, it is necessary to establish the consequences of not complying. It is important to emphasize that these consequences are “results” and not “punishments.” Consequences are simply the natural outcome of an agreement between both parties, operating under natural laws, and they are distinct from punishments. For example, after playing, if a child is expected to clean up their toys, they can continue playing next time only if they tidy up. However, if they don’t clean up, according to the previous agreement, their toys will be confiscated for two or three days.
At this point, parents must make it clear to the child that this is the natural consequence of not fulfilling the agreement, not a punishment. Another example is when parents discuss with their child the time limit for watching TV or using electronic devices and set specific time boundaries. Similarly, if the child exceeds the designated time and doesn’t turn off the device, according to the previous agreement, they won’t be allowed to watch or use it for the next three days. When setting boundaries, parents need to ensure they are reasonable. Otherwise, it would be unfair to the child, making them more likely to cross the boundaries and become disobedient in the future.
雖然父母有責任教導孩子正當的行為，但若方法過於急切與嚴厲，對孩子成長過程缺乏認識與理解，反而可能導致負面作用。所以我們要讓孩子有主動改過的經驗，要嚴肅討論，並非嚴厲懲罰。心平氣和能協助孩子將錯誤轉化為成長的養分，就像孩子學走路的過程中難免跌倒，我們會鼓勵孩子自己慢慢爬起來，再跨出步伐。
面對孩子犯錯的行為，該如何處理才能培養孩子改過的能力，是我們更該關注的。一般人很少故意會去犯錯，人之所以會「犯錯」，通常都是因為沒有「覺知」，會錯就是因為不知道。其實，孩子犯錯並不可怕，可怕的是犯錯卻不明白錯在那裡，不知怎樣才能改好。父母如果能以正確的心態面對孩子犯錯，以適切的方法引導孩子改正，犯錯也能成為檢討和進步的轉機，增進親子間溝通的機會，讓孩子的錯成為一種美麗的錯誤吧。
While parents have the responsibility to teach children proper behavior, if the methods used are too impatient and harsh, lacking an understanding of the child’s growth process, it may lead to negative effects. Therefore, we should provide children with experiences of taking initiative to change for the better, engage in serious discussions, rather than resorting to severe punishments. Approaching the situation with a calm and composed demeanor can assist children in transforming their mistakes into opportunities for growth. Just like how children inevitably fall while learning to walk, we encourage them to pick themselves up and take another step forward.
When faced with a child’s misconduct, it is important to consider how to handle the situation in a way that fosters their ability to change. People generally do not intentionally make mistakes; the reason for making mistakes is often due to a lack of awareness. Making mistakes is not inherently frightening for children; what is truly concerning is making mistakes without understanding where they went wrong or how to correct them. If parents can approach their child’s mistakes with the right mindset and guide them towards making corrections using appropriate methods, these mistakes can become opportunities for reflection and progress. It also enhances the chance for communication between parents and children. Let us transform our children’s mistakes into beautiful errors.
